Dr Doctor can you pull the curtains back?

Some of our patients really are hilarious. Yesterday evening I was taking blood from one gentleman, when the chap in the next bed (which was surrounded by curtains) farted extremely loudly to himself and said "Sorry about that" presumably to the rest of us in the room. When I had finished taking blood I went to leave, and as I walked past the other chap's bed he said "Oh doctor, could you pull the curtains back please?" I drew back the curtains to reveal a middle aged man, spreadeagled on his bed, stark bollock naked with a massive grin on his face and waving at me. Unsurprisingly I pulled the curtains around again!

Had a bleep from a rather stressed SHO on the winter overflow ward to ask me to take blood:

- I'm really sorry, it's just that I was supposed to finish an hour ago and this man needs an INR taking but he's shat all over himself, and the bed, and the floor, would you mind doing it for me?

- Er.. I think I'll wait half an hour for him to be cleaned up, but yes that's fine!

Arrived half an hour later to take the blood to find an innocuous looking (clean) elderly man. First thought - "well you dont look like the type to have recently been entirely covered in faeces". Second thought - "I'm NOT kneeling on the floor".

Pulled the curtains round the bed and started taking blood, when the patient in the next bed started vomiting profusely, much to the dismay of his visiting relatives.

- Bleurgh BLEEUUUUURGH Oh God it's the soup! BLEUUURGH.